Sunday, January 31, 2016

I want it gone

In creating this blog a few years ago, I promised that it would be an honest portrayal of what it means to have mental illness, as I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.

Like all of us human beings in this world, we encounter troubling times and things that really hurt us.

Last week, I felt all the above. Every day last week, I dealt with difficult symptoms of paranoia and PTSD. Even when I think back to last week, I feel the hurt, the pain, the fear. I was and am terrified.

I WANT IT GONE!

Last week, I also had a kind of flashback I have never encountered before. When I was in it, I could not talk. I was hyperventilating. It was one of (if not) the scariest  and deepest flashback I have ever felt.

At some points this week, I voiced to people that I am sick of this and cannot take it anymore. Even though I say things like that every so often, I always feel God's presence so I move forward.

Today, I am at a scale 2/10, 1 no flashbacks/paranoia, 10 all the time. Earlier this week I was at 15/10.

No matter how hard life is, it is always worth it to live.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Monumental Milestone

I struggle with paranoia and psychosis at times. I struggle with these symptoms from time to time.

Over a year ago, I went to a church that would be the last service I had been to.

I was disappointed greatly with that church.

During my last service there, I kept leaving the sanctuary to check if the FBI was outside. I felt no support with my symptoms. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody came up to me even though I was distraught and confused. My paranoia was too difficult to deal with so I left the church and said I was never going to go back there or no other church in general.

It is very difficult to be symptomatic in church because I felt judged by the fact that I kept leaving. I assume they thought I was rude or I did not hear the sermon because I did not want to.

Trust me, I wanted to be a part of the worship time. But my paranoia did not let that happen. I heard people laughing at me.

Welcome to a year and a half later...

I was praying God to lead me to a church. I am one to believe that you can go to church every day of your life and be a minister everywhere you go through your loving kindness to those around you.Church can happen anywhere or anytime. Church is a place to find support in your walk with Christ. However, there is nothing saying that you have to go to church to be Christian.

I went to church this morning for the first time in over a year. I had no paranoia and minimal anxiety. The congregation was fairly small, which helped with my symptoms. I got to the church and a nice lady helped me find the door to get in. I was introduced to quite a few people. The nature was very kind and loving.

Granted, I did not tell anybody at the church about my chronic mental illnesses. I did not feel the need to since I felt so at home being there. I did not tell anybody there that it had been over a year since I went to a church service.

For me, it was a monumental milestone.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

New Year Resolutions

I do not know about you but I made tremendous progress in nearly every aspect of my life in the past year. As I look at the year that just passed, I am always reminded of God. Last year was awesome, but I am going to work even harder in 2016. I may even be going to back to school to receive a Doctor of Philosophy degree (PhD).

In 2009, I took a severe fall of 30-40 feet and the doctors said I may never walk again. Well, this past year, I ran nearly every day for different charities. I am so grateful for all that God has done in my life, as well as my "guardian angels" I have found in this life. I look up to them and I wanted to pay it forward by living life to its fullest, in more ways than one. I have been extremely blessed, EXTREMELY. That is what motivates me to help.others. I want to make my own mark in this world.

I could have died plenty of times in my life. I have often asked God why I haven't died and He answers me in the strength, and courage He gives me every day to deal with multiple chronic mental illnesses. I have learned to love life again, despite the constant challenges. He helps me to make a difference in this world. I want to keep giving to others my time and effort. It makes my borrowed time even more beautiful.

Here are my 10 New Years Resolutions

1. Run a half marathon.
2. Read 15 books.
3. Do something majestic or new..
4. Listen more.
5. Crochet 200 scarves for charities (75-100 to homeless people on the streets)
6. Work on my memoir.
7. Celebrate 2 years without a hospitalization.
8. Meet more people.
9. Donate my hair.
10. Run 250 miles using Charity Miles

Monday, December 28, 2015

New Years Resolutions

What is your New Years Resolution?

Here's mine and it has separate parts to it.

Listen better: Sometimes I have some trouble concentrating in a conversation or I'm so busy to reply that I unintentionally ignore them. I am willing to work o that this next year.

Don't be prideful. My pride has hurt a lot of people, especially those in college. In college, I was manic about 95% of the time. I thought I was invincible all the time. I think back to those times and I cringe. It hurts me to know that I hurt people. I'd like to work on humility.

Be more patient. Thanks to our 24/7/365 mentality, it is hard not to rush things. But we also must have fun in this life and take our time to enjoy every second of our lives.

Stay out of the hospital for another year. I just celebrated my 13th month anniversary of getting released from my last hospitalization. This is one of my largest resolutions.

Run a Half Marathon (13.1 miles) or a few 5Ks..Running is a great outlet for me to handle my symptoms. While I train, I raise money for many different charities.

Teach myself how to play piano better. I love playing and feeling surrounded by sound. Playing always calms me down.

Write a new song.

Crochet at least 200 scarves next fall/winter.

Spread love. Everyday people deserve to be loved no matter how difficult and seemingly futile it feels. Spreading love does not have to cost anything. Opening the door for someone or laughing with someone can make a difference.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Be Love

I was blessed to have received over 20 presents this year, which is much more than I received last year, which was none. I was overwhelmed by everybody's kindness and love towards me. I am honored and blessed.

A few of you know that my scarf project is coming to a close in a few weeks. My journey making over 150 scarves started as a way to distract myself from having flashbacks and being paranoid. However, I have been inspired to make more than I had planned, in order to challenge myself. My project has become somewhat of a tradition. This is my second year donating scarves. It has brought me a lot of peace and joy and hope. It has brought me confidence. Put simply, my scarf project has made my life easier and more meaningful.

On Tuesday of this past week, I shipped my second to last set of scarves to a soup kitchen to hand out to homeless people living on the streets.  Yesterday, I called over there to make sure they received them and the lady on the phone was ecstatic when she opened the box. I nearly cried tears of joy when I heard her reaction.

I am very excited about my scarf project and am still working on 9 more scarves.

Spread love. Be love. Feel love.

That's what Christmas is about. But we should not until one day to help others and love others.

We should spread unconditional love every minute, every hour, every day, and every year.

Sending out love, peace, joy, and hope to all of you.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

World Peace

 I was bored just a second ago as I laid in my bed staring out the window. As I looked at the trees with only a few more leaves on them, I saw the twists and turns of the trees and their branches. It reminds me of how difficult life can be.

I thought back to a few days ago when a friend told me that America has been threatened by ISIS. When I first heard of the threat, I was terrified.

But why was I terrified? I'm not really scared of death.
I do not want to live in constant fear of ISIS, or any other terrorist.

Terrorism needs to end. Hate needs to end. If you're mad at someone, exchange your weapon for a pen and voice your opinion to someone else who can help. There is no room for discrimination. Or threats.

I do not know who will read this. That's ok. Because I see no point in threats and killing innocent people.

I am advocating for a more peaceful world.

I want to live in a world of peace, hope, joy and contentedness. And most importantly, unconditional love.

From early teens, I was having deep and dark thoughts. I was severely abused from 3 to 10 years old. I was homeless at one point. I lived out of a suitcase for almost a year. I lost my oldest brother to suicide. I have been diagnosed with a few mental illnesses.

But God didn't let those things stop me from living well. Life is precious because we are never guaranteed another second, minute, hour, day, or year.

I almost lost my life quite a few times, so I feel as if I am on borrowed time. Make the most of your life. Help those around you.

In fact, a lot of good can come from situations that are hard and seemingly futile.

So before you become terrified about terrorism, remind yourself to fight for worldwide peace, because it takes each of us.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Letter to the One Year Ago Me

Dearest Chelsea at age 25 (a year ago),,

If you had told me the journey that would unfold in the last year, I know you would never have believed you. Nor would I ever believe that you could make it a whole year without being hospitalized.

But you did make it through the year.

Last year, today, you moved into a group home in order to leave a very toxic relationship with a family member. You were shy. You were terrified. But you knew that moving out was the best decision. The day you left the hospital last year on November 25, you were introduced to all new people in your life. You had to be courageous enough to believe that everyone was there for you. You knew that this was your new life. You knew that this new life would be much happier and more joyful.

And it has been. It's been a wild and crazy ride but most importantly, I have learned how to deal with our disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD). We are not our illnesses. We are our strength. We are our hope. We are our light. We are our peace.

I'm sorry for all the negative things that have happened in the past year, but I see now that you have gained peace and strength through it all. Every second of this life is precious. You were reminded of that when you lost a friend earlier this week. Life is beautiful even on the rough days.

We know through our strength that we can conquer anything.

But most importantly, you have found out what it truly means to live., and to be happy, healthy and whole.

Sincerely,
your 26 year old self